{"id":1055,"date":"2015-06-05T15:28:16","date_gmt":"2015-06-05T20:28:16","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/afemom.org\/?p=1055"},"modified":"2015-06-05T15:28:16","modified_gmt":"2015-06-05T20:28:16","slug":"guilt-is-a-powerful-force","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/stephaniearnold.net\/es\/2015\/06\/05\/guilt-is-a-powerful-force\/","title":{"rendered":"Guilt is a powerful force."},"content":{"rendered":"

On the day of Jacob’s birthday I felt extreme\u00a0sadness. \u00a0I really wanted his birthday to be all about him, but I was overcome by a feeling of breathlessness, fear and excruciating emotional pain. \u00a0I was remembering hour by hour what I was doing the moments before I flat-lined. \u00a0 I explained to Jonathan why I couldn’t sleep the night before and why I was a little hesitant to be social that day. \u00a0He understood, but didn’t fully comprehend the level of anxiety that was crippling me in that moment. \u00a0He said “Honey, this happened 2 years ago.” \u00a0I said “I know sweetheart, but I don’t think the cells of my body think it happened 2 years ago.” \u00a0I wasn’t even consciously thinking about that day as the anniversary of when I died. \u00a0I was trying to focus 0n\u00a0that is was\u00a0Jacob’s big day. \u00a0Obviously unsuccessfully. But I’m guessing this was some residual affect from the trauma.\"arnold134a\" I most certainly\u00a0felt guilt about it. \u00a0How selfish was I?!<\/p>\n

\"books<\/p>\n

It was a reminder that I am not 100% healed. \u00a0Not even close. \u00a0Even a special delivery of the advanced copies of the book<\/a>\u00a0didn’t take care of the guilt. \u00a0In fact a new version of guilt overtook the one I was feeling for thinking of my own pain on this special day. You see,\u00a0there is a chapter in the book where I discuss my recovery and how I felt towards Jacob. \u00a0I can’t even write it down here now because it is so painful to read, let alone rewrite it. One confrontation of those old feelings was enough to last a lifetime. \u00a0It was how I felt then, most certainly not how I feel today. \u00a0But nevertheless, still feeling guilty\u00a0at even having those momentary thoughts in the book, fleeting as they were.<\/p>\n

Call it a sign, meant to be, coincidence (in which I don’t believe) or kizmut (Yiddish term for “meant to be”)\u00a0at Jacob’s birthday, I was given a present that helped alleviate some of that pain and guilt, by the birthday coordinator, Steve.<\/span><\/p>\n

\"kidville\"<\/a>Steve said “I really support everything that it is that you are doing.” \u00a0It caught me off guard. \u00a0“What do you mean?” I said. He continued, “Well, my mom almost lost her life when she gave birth to me. I was her second child and she could no longer have any more children. I am healthy and she is alive. So yes, the work that you are doing, people need to know about it and I support it 100%.” \u00a0It was definitely not a coincidence. \u00a0Here it was, there was a 20-something, beautiful young man with brown eyes standing in front of me. \u00a0He was my future. \u00a0He looked a little like Jacob. \u00a0And what he said to me was exactly what I needed to hear. “I am in awe of my mother. She is strong, determined. A survivor. \u00a0I am so proud of her and what she has done.” \u00a0It took the edge of the guilt off. \u00a0And I stood up a little prouder. \u00a0A little taller. \u00a0And ready to open up to exactly what the Universe has in store for us.<\/p>\n

I can’t say that next year will be easier, but this year was easier than last year, so here’s hoping it will be less painful. \u00a0And each year that goes by, Jacob’s birthday will be all about Jacob. Hoping my catastrophe will be an incident we will all look back upon and say\u00a0we are proud to call you mom. \u00a0Adina is constantly drawing pictures and handing them to me, almost daily and saying “this is so your boo boo feels better.” I assure her that the pain is not what it used to be and you can see she is happy that things are getting back to normal. \u00a0And\u00a0Valentina\u00a0constantly says she is proud of me and at 9 years old can articulate why. “Because you fought. Because you survived. And because you turned something so bad\u00a0into something\u00a0that might be able to help a family. I don’t know what I would do without you.” \u00a0All of it, including the family I have, \u00a0is something to be proud of.<\/p>\n

And with that one conversation with Steve, I was able to see that part of my future, as clearly as I saw my premonitions. And more importantly I felt it.\"Jacob\"<\/a><\/p>\n

So\u00a0when\u00a0Jacob reads the book, maybe 11 years from now, my prayer is that he will be able to\u00a0see through the pain and the fear and realize I would give my life up for him & my family. \u00a0I love him with everything I have. He is my little man and he is my favorite little boy in the whole wide world. \u00a0Steve made me understand that he inherently knows that. \u00a0That he will always know that. \u00a0And what I am doing on this next phase of my life\u00a0will be something he admires and respects. At least that is my hope.<\/p>\n

\"Happy<\/a>
Happy Birthday my love.<\/figcaption><\/figure>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

On the day of Jacob’s birthday I felt extreme\u00a0sadness. \u00a0I really wanted his birthday to be all about him, but I was overcome by a feeling of breathlessness, fear and excruciating emotional pain. \u00a0I was remembering hour by hour what I was doing the moments before I flat-lined. \u00a0 I explained to Jonathan why I…<\/p>","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"_wp_convertkit_post_meta":{"form":"-1","landing_page":"0","tag":"0","restrict_content":"0"},"footnotes":""},"categories":[3,5,14,26],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1055","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-37-seconds-book","category-advocacy","category-life-death","category-spirituality"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"\nGuilt is a powerful force. - Stephanie Arnold<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/stephaniearnold.net\/es\/2015\/06\/05\/guilt-is-a-powerful-force\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"es_ES\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Guilt is a powerful force. - 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