I first want to apologize for being MIA these last few months. My father’s passing has caused a gaping hole in my heart and I have had no energy for creativity, connections and putting anything out for the sake of just putting it out there. I thank you for patience and for sticking by me in times of pain, trauma and grief.

I have made a promise to myself and to you, the year 2020 will be the year I help YOU through your pain, by using the tools I learned from mentors, shamans, healers, therapists and MDs to help you with the recovery you need to move forward in whatever direction you want. You will be able to FEEL again when you purge the pain and the lessons I learned over the last few months, and continue to learn, have helped me go from survivor to thriver.

My father passed in August. He had been sick for a very long time, but his final passing has gutted me. I thought I was sooooooo strong. I had survived death. I had come back from an amniotic fluid embolism with permanent scars, but I wrote a book, grew from the experience and put it behind me. I had found meaning in my trauma and eventually, by speaking up and sharing my story, I had found a proper place for that entire experience. I had honored it and feel quite comfortable saying “this is no longer a source of debilitating trauma/pain for me.

And thank goodness, because what was coming down the pike, if I had not yet dealt with it, would have collapsed me due to the weight of all the pain bearing down on me.

Long before my dad died, I knew there was one thing I could not change. It was what I was feeling when I saw the scars, every single day. But was that really true?

I hated my scars. I hated my body. I didn’t feel like a woman after the hysterectomy, the butchering of my stomach post AFE and the subsequent weight gain due to changing hormones and age.

But I was ALIVE. And I was grateful.

It seems so silly to be complaining about my physique when I survived something most women do not. I know it was bad luck to have gotten an AFE, but incredible luck to have survived it so well.

A heart attack, DIC, hysterectomy, kidney failure, dialysis, medically-induced coma and a month’s long stay in the hospital added emotional and physical weight to my frail frame. Additional surgeries to repair hernias caused from the emergency cSection and a slew of physical & psychological therapy sessions compounded the heaviness I felt during my recovery.

But I was alive. And I was grateful.

NO PAIN. NO GAIN.

I gained a great deal from my survival, but I lost something vital. The light I found within myself, the spiritual path I had gained through my experience was and is invaluable. But the basic necessity I needed to feel as a woman, feeling sexy for ME, was obliterated.

Everyone told me, “Do not worry about that? You are alive”. They also added, “When you have children, your body will never be the same and after everything you have gone through, it will never be like it was.” Ok, I thought they had many good points. But were they right?

If you don’t know it by now, I am not someone who will accept an answer without doing my research. I will not just give up because someone says something cannot be done. Maybe they cannot do it because it seems daunting, but I survived death, I can take on a new challenge. If it was even a possibility.

So what was I going to do about it?

INTRO TO BODYBUILDING

I learned how bodybuilders get CUT in 16 weeks to prepare for a bodybuilding competition. I am not an athlete (not in the least bit, I fall off stairmasters) but I have lifted weights before. I had gone to the gym, inconsistently, but I did. I could do this. Anyone can do anything for 16 weeks.

I met an IFBB (International Federation of Bodybuilders) Pro by the name of VIctoria Settler. Here is a pic of her. Yes, she is that intimidating.

So I shook her hand and she says “so you want to be a bodybuilder?” “Yes I do,” I said. She looks me up and down and says “You work out?” Shook my head “Yup!” Proudly. She continued “With Weights?” Hey… F-U lady… I’m coming to you for help and you are judging me? I got your number.

Intuitively I saw her soul. And when I sense something, I tend to say it… so I let er rip. She had been in the best physical shape of her life doing her last show and she didn’t place well at all. She was angry and holding onto a lot of pain. I saw right through it.

First I said “I’m sorry you didn’t do well on your competition, but I know why?” Who the hell am I who knows NOTHING about this industry. She looked at me with a jaundiced eye like she had my number. I continued..

“Why do you bodybuild?” She said, “I like the way I look and I feel strong.” I said, “Ah, but you are not. The inside is trying to runaway and the outside is concealing how weak the inside is with the physical. You’re disconnected. Your light from the inside has been darkened from the pain of the past, so it doesn’t shine as bright as you once did when you were winning your competitions. You are beautiful and strong on the outside, but extremely raw and vulnerable and dim on the inside.”

This beast of a woman, most women would be scared to talk to started crying in front of me. This was my coach and I was now hers. We were now on this mission together.

I wanted to get strong and change my body image on the outside to reflect the warrior on the inside and she needed to do the same, but in reverse.

I never intended to wear stripper heels.

This was not part of the plan. Now Victoria was watching me dedicated and building muscle, it was time to ramp up for an actual bikini competition. You are F’n kidding me.

WTH are you saying woman? I have been covered up, talking about NDE’s, spirituality, modesty, humility and now you want me to flaunt my BODY on stage in front of men, women and my children? In a glittery bikini and stripper heels? Hey NPC.. why it gotta be stripper heels? Why can’t I wear Jimmy Choo’s? This was beyond any comfort zone. This was impossible.

Jonathan was a fan of this exercise. He said “Honey, you already won. You are transforming your body and it doesn’t matter who is going to judge you. This is based on the physical. And no one knows you in this arena. Why not step out of your comfort zone?” OK MOFO.. Why don’t YOU????? In a speedo. Or in heels you cannot walk in. Men.

I think he only supported me because he wanted me in those heels. But whatever the reason, I would go through this program and I would decide DAY OF, if I was taking the stage.

It was progressing well and I decided, WTF. I will do it. Strip off those nerves and strap in for a wild ride. In comes a posing coach, tanning beds, makeup scheduled and a show date. Nov 2019. NPC Midwest Gladiators. A big show. Especially for a novice like me.

My dad died in the middle of my prep, so I put a pin in my grief and focused on the finish line. Not because my father meant nothing to me and I didn’t feel the need to grieve, but because I knew it was going to be a giant mountain of pain to overcome and for a brief 10 more weeks, I could focus on nothing else but the show. It was good for me for a moment.

I got on that stage with the confidence of a 100 men about to eat a Thanksgiving meal. I strutted my “hamstrings” and that little booty I built from nothing in those 5 inch stilettos.

I did not have the best body up there. But I did walk with confidence. I did have a light shining through. And I did the best I could without steroids and supplements which could have caused irreparable harm to my already once failed organs. We were going au natural come Hell or High Water.

I already won. I made it to the stage. I walked up there with confidence and I went home. But not without TWO FREAKIN TROPHIES.

And the best part of it was they were judging me SOLELY on my physique. They did not see the scars. And if they didn’t see them and I was worthy of those accolades, why am I bothered by them? Well, I’m not, anymore.

The once failed body looked strong and fierce. I looked younger and lighter. Not from weight loss, but from gaining a new , stronger perspective of who I could become. Anything was possible. Everything IS possible. When you have the cleared space to focus on what you really want.

WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?

Now it’s Victoria’s turn. You can see in this photo how proud she is of me, but if you look closely, you can see the light glimmering back in her eyes and peaking through. Her pain is diminishing and with our talks, she has purged a great deal of the heaviness that has clouded her judgement and affected her choices.

Pain weighs heavily on end results. And when you don’t deal with them, you will never get what you ultimately want.

Her dream is to compete at Mr. Olympia. I believe this coming year she will do it, and she will do well.

Moving onto the next trauma life has thrown my way. My dad. It is time to deal with my grief. Can you imagine having to climb up that mountain had I never dealt with the traumas of my past? That beast would be insurmountable. I would be frozen and unable to make any decisions, let alone be a mother and wife. You can only compartmentalize your pain for so long, repeating the same patterns to protect yourself from feeling pain, over and over until you crack.

Fix the foundation. Your SOUL comes first. Because you need to FEEL your way through your decisions. And your intuition is lost when pain is all you are feeling, hearing, and seeing. Your MIND will follow. And then you can deal with that New Year’s Resolution of getting back in shape. The BODY will come last. Because you won’t a distraction from your pain or any other maladaptive way you have dealt with things in the past due to your conditioning. You need to work the inside first. The foundation.

I will get through the grief by finding meaning in the loss as I did with my trauma, A friend of mine recommended David Kessler’s new book “Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief”. It is so good and I recommend it if you are suffering in any way. He has been on Oprah, Mel Robbins, Dr. Oz, etc. He says without grief there is no LOVE. So the tears you are shedding are out of love. But finding meaning in a loved one’s death, even in the small things to keep their memory alive, will help ease some of the pain and turn their lost life into a gift you once had, for without it you would not do what will be coming next.

I hope this New Year is filled with less tears and more joy. I am sending so much love and light to each and every one of you and I am setting out on a new journey you will see in your inbox very soon about how you can join me in a very intimate setting so I can focus on you and cut through the trauma to help rebuild yourself with a stronger foundation. No Pain, No Gain. But the GAINS will be more “muscle” on the bones than you ever had before in order to deal with anything life throws your way.

That is a promise from me to you.

Thank you everyone for sticking around. 2020 will be OUR year together.

p.s. My husband bought me more stripper heels in different colors. I’m thinking he liked the results.