Reading Breath Becomes Air again, by neurosurgeon Paul Kalanithi (Here is his widow, Lucy, Internist at Stanford University doing a TED Talk) and seeing the Last Lecture Dr. Randy Pausch gave at Carnegie Mellon reminded me of the excruciating three months I prepared myself to die.

It got me thinking, if I stayed dead, I would have imparted NOTHING. No words of wisdom. No detailed love letters to my soulmate. No videos for my children to review with sage advice while growing up at different stages in life. NOTHING.  Only a faded memory of a space I used to take up affecting my close friends and family. And of course pain for the ones I left behind.

Meeting so many people with the fear of dying, survivors, near death experiencers and ones who are preparing to die, I am learning we all react in different ways to the end of life as we know it.

Death is part of LIFE.  There is no way out of this life without dying. So acceptance eventually will help with the fear of death. I know for those of you in the thick of your own fear, this does little to help, but if you can figure out a way to surrender to the reality of life & death, it will help you LIVE and enjoy moments instead of being fearful every day.  And by the way, I give great advice NOW, but when I was living with the fear of dying, I could not LIVE. I was a ticking time bomb about to go off and I could do NOTHING but work feverishly to save my life.

The survivors/near death experiencers I have met, run in three camps. 1) They become missionaries in their second life. Grateful to have survived and move forward trying to help others through their pain. This also helps compartmentalize their own reality of almost being 6 feet underground.  2) Challenge death.  Thinking they are invincible. Extreme adventures, extreme life. They survived death once, they can do it again. And 3) They are frozen, not knowing what to do with their second chance. Imagine you are a barista and you survive something so frightening, people say “G-d has a plan for you.” Or “You have been chosen.”  What if that person was fine with status quo? Now what do they do? Their answer, NOTHING.

The beautiful souls I have met who are fighting a terminal battle have fit into two categories. 1) The ones who refuse to believe it and will search for any experimental drugs, new treatments and clinging on to hope, never believing the news they are dying, and expending energy they do not have. And 2) the ones who accept their “fate”, deciding on the best plan on how to live the rest of their days.  I have a friend who works with terminal patients.

 Turns out, the ones who accept their fate, actually live longer. They may not have the time they desire, but it is quality time.

I am not saying you shouldn’t think positively and try your best to see if there are other options out there, but to consume yourself when a terminal illness is diagnosed, won’t allow you to live in the present.

I promise you, I would not even think to compare my situation to anyone else’s. Let alone those who are thick in the middle of trying to stay alive.  Only that I understand a small portion of what they are going through.  Fleeting as it was for me, I was 100% in category 1. I wasn’t living.  I was about to lose my life, not spending any quality time with the ones I loved. And I had NO IDEA I would survive it.

To this day, I regret how I handled all of that time. Not the fact I spoke up, obviously, but I did not take one moment to enjoy the love I was receiving from my family. It would have been horrible if those were the lasting memories they had of me.

Luckily, I had a happy ending.  There have been many others with illnesses who have defied the odds.  So don’t give up on the prayers and the positivity, but make sure you write down, speak and share your love to the ones closest to you.  You will be leaving a gaping hole in their hearts IF you pass. Having beautiful, lasting memories up until your soul body releases itself from its human one will be invaluable, not just for you, but for them.

Finally, from experience, your imparting lessons are not limited to this lifetime. Your soul is present long before it enters your body and long after it departs.  So you have another bite at the apple. #YOLO, Maybe TWICE. 😉

I have a chance for a do-over. Believe me, it will be handled differently.