Colonel Alfred Worden is a retired American astronaut.  He was a fighter pilot in the United States Air Force. He was the command module pilot for Apollo 15.  He was one of 24 people to have flown to the moon. And, he was also my next door neighbor.

We had many conversations over the years, but one happens to stand out more than the others.

He gave me a copy of the photo featured here on this blog.  He snapped the photo of crescent Earth in 1971 as he was flying behind the moon.  I didn’t appreciate it then as a “you can’t teach me anything I don’t already know” teenager. But I remember him telling me how awesome and isolating being in space was , how small he felt going behind the moon and just how alone he was in his solitude, but not lonely.  I didn’t know what the heck he meant by that… until now.

For most of us who will never literally reach the stars, there is no way to understand this perspective, until you start opening the journey to your soul.

For some, it is through G-d’s words.  For others, they climb to the highest peaks to get as close to clouds as they can. For me, it was a near death experience which silenced the human world around me and opened up the ability to hear things many cannot.  And what I personally discovered is..

It is isolating when you are a soul being in a human world.

I used to have a lot of friends.  I used to be very social. I was an extrovert, enjoyed dancing, bad karaoke and being in a crowd.

Today, I have two friends I talk to regularly. If there is a time for social interaction for the kid’s play dates, birthday parties, or big events for work, I tend to stay in a corner away from the possibility of connecting, because it is physically and emotionally exhausting.

I feel way too much off of people and I have NO FILTER. When I do feel things, it is usually a matter of life or death, medical emergencies, or to bring peace to someone in pain.  And because I am bumbling along here, I have no idea how and when it is going to happen.  All I know is that person has to be in my line of sight to be told something, so by staying away, we both might be better off for now.

Imagine you are at a party, enjoying your wine and Stephanie walks up to you to say “Hi– oh wait.. are you ok? Why did you try to commit suicide?” Or, “I see your late uncle who is telling me you need to call your mother, NOW!”

My father once told me- “Honey, sometimes people want to go out to lunch with you and JUST HAVE LUNCH!”

I feel exposed, like the Emperor who wore his birthday suit. I feel my soul is on the outside and my human side is buried deep within this vast exterior.  I’m desperately trying to tuck it into my sleeves and slacks.  The problem is, my clothes aren’t big enough.

I’m a work in progress. I inch my way out to some parties and engage in some conversations.  I do my best to not sense anything, so I stay quiet and try not to engage. The silence for me is deafening because I hear everything. And even though I feel alone at times, I most certainly am not lonely.

There is a vast energetic force by which we are surrounded. And while many of us can sense we are unequivocally not alone, others are just going to be social, go out to lunch and just enjoying life. I get it. You know the old saying “Ignorance is bliss…”, yeah, I understand it more now, for sure.

My life was different before I flat-lined.  But now I am here, I cannot go back and I don’t ever want to.

The view from my perspective is awesome.  Much like what Colonel Warden said to me. I thought there was a big difference because of our vantage point.  Interestingly enough, decades later, I realize, I didn’t need to blast off to space to come to the same conclusion.

 

 

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